dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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