Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
