if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
