im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
