last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
