I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
