I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
