Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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