Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
it was like eating out sand paper
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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