I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
