her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
