I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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