The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
