connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
