I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
