is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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