the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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