so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
