I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
