A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just pynch a tree in the face
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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