Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
