Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
