By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
