i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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