You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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