my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Your face is a jimmy john
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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