I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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