If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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