why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
