i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
