Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
