its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
