We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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