things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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