i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
