ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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