I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
