mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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