I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
