I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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