$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You ate ashes out of my bong
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
