By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She said her name was "party"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
