It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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