walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
