angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
