oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I need to stop coming to work sober
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
