exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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