Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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