I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
