TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
